My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What drink are we having for lunch?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
