nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
