Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
