he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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