spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
