I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We were destined to go to rehab together
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize