After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize