Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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