...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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