theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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