Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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