do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
