thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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