Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
