Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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