The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
