My friends, they love my intelligence
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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