Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
