mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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