His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
