Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
as a side note pls kill me
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