Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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