I am spending my child support on dildos
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
