it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
