I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
