They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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