cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
