Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
