i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Randomize
