By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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