I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
