I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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