it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We're too hungover to prance.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
