update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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