so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
