I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
