The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
