What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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