On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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