OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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