we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize