Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
