I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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