i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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