Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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