Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
