I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize