I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize