Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize