Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
