i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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