I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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