Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
