my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
