I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
