Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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