dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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