i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
