the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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