What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
