the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
